I figured it was about time for me to have a little sit down with you guys (metaphorically) to talk a little bit about how I'm doing.
The first thing that I want to address is that I am doing okay. In general I am okay. Over the last few weeks there have been a lot of ups and downs. There's been a lot of growth but also a lot of falling behind and feeling like something is still missing. But overall - I'm okay.
On the growth side of the spectrum I've found a lot of peace in several ways. First, I've found a way to create distance between myself and the people that were dragging me down. It's a balancing act; being friendly and loving towards people while ensuring that they have no sway over my mental state... it's a learning curve for sure. But I think I'm doing okay. On top of that I found a lot of encouragement in the book "You Are A Badass" By Jen Sincero. It's brightened my outlook quite a bit. And lastly, I've found even more peace in the form of a lost friend. After she (rightly) cut me out of her life over the summer I was forced to address some of the parts of me that I'm not in love with.. some that I'm ashamed of. And while I never expected the growth that has followed to bring her back into my life she had, slowly but surely, made more and more appearances in the form of a message here and there.
While I am by no means a real part of her life anymore, it's good to know that she doesn't hate me. That we can still have positive interactions. That she does still care about my well being and my successes. It's made me endlessly happy.
a few little victories
It's important to celebrate your victories. Never forget that.
No matter how small they are, they're important, and they each make a difference in who you are and where you're at. In the last few weeks I have done several things I am very proud of.
I got out of bed. Every day.
I got dressed and did my hair every day last week (except for friday, but that was intentional)
I cleaned my entire house and took out the trash. Twice.
I did my laundry.
Instead of rushing straight home after getting off of the train I swung into Macy's and let myself have the little joy of window shopping for things I couldn't quite afford but one day will. Lately I've been too busy to find time to explore. But I made a point of doing it last week. Just because I could.
I went to the grocery store and bought new shampoo and conditioner.
All of these things and more... they're small. They might even seem meaningless to some people. But they made a difference in how I felt about myself and my life, even if only fleetingly. And I am proud of each and every one of them.
A few Little setbacks
Two weeks ago I went through a pretty major slump. I'm not entirely sure what caused it, but I do know that I spent a lot of time curled up in bed, risking being very very late for work, simply because getting out of bed seemed impossible. I didn't shower for over a week and wore the same dirty sweat pants to work at least 3 times in one week. I binged on spaghetti and bread and chips and salsa one night and promptly broke down on the living room floor. Eating is hard. Except for when it's too easy... and then stopping is hard. I wish i had the words for how it makes me feel sometimes. Just to have eaten is sometimes the hardest thing to go through each day.
The body image issues have been real the last few weeks. I've lost over 30 pounds. People tell me I'm skinny now, which is laughable to me... even though I suppose that I am. I know that I am. I wish it felt that way. It doesn't. Sometimes all I want to do is slice off every part of me that disgusts me. I know that that's wrong. But it doesn't change that I feel that way.
I'm trying to deal with these feelings in a constructive way. Trying to exercise when I can, and be in control of my eating habits. I'm failing plenty. but I recognize that starving myself is not the answer. And staying in bed is not the answer. It's a constant battle to convince myself of what I know to be true. But I will keep fighting.
I know that this is a bit of a ramble. Perhaps I could've been more poetic. Made my pain seem like something pretty you could put under an instagram. And sometimes I do do that. But today.... today i just wanted to get all of this out there. I want you all to remember that everyone is hiding some sort of pain. Some more than others. And plenty worse than my own. Love people. Just love them. Sometimes the smallest action could save a life. And you will never know. But just love people. And try to love yourself.